Middle-Earth Fanfiction Awards

Five Hair Care Tips for Rohirrim

Author: EdorasLass
Nominator: annmarwalk
2008 Award Category: Genres: Humor - First Place

Story Type: Story : Length: Short Story
Rating: General -- Reason for Rating: N/A
Summary: Extremely important suggestions on ways a Rider of Rohan - or any citizen of Rohan, really - might take care of his or her hair.


Reviewed by: Marta -- Score: 10

There is something about this "five things" list that makes me laugh like a COMPLETE lune, every time I read it. It simply shouldn't be this hilarious, but just as simply, it *is*. Anyone who has seen "The Two Towers" knows that Rohirric hairstyles are, ah, somewhat lacking. Never mind that Tolkien tells us that ["their hair, flaxen-pale, flowed under their light helms, and streamed in long braids behind them"]; if that's not a prescription for sexy and well-groomed hair I don't know what is. Here EdorasLass gives some much-needed grooming tip, filled with asides that feel like inside jokes but I think will translate well to a larger audience. Quite aside from answering the movieverse issue, we get EdorasLass's typical crack!ish sense of humor in places you'd never expect to find it. Honestly, sparkly-clips? With decapitated orcs, Dunlendings, and wargs mixed in with bunny rabbits and mead steins? That should just be off-the-wall, but like so much in this piece, it simply works. The concept of Lothiriel and Eowyn "fixing" Eomer's hair as was suggested in the comments will have me smiling for a while yet. What totally amazes me about this piece, after so many reads, is your ability to steer off-course and yet end up back on target. A good example of this is the [" He's not gettin' all that action just on account of his charming smile, you know."] passage. You blaze a trail through some delightfully slashy humor (at least in my mind, because you're not at all explicit and leave it all to your readers' dirty little minds), but then end up exactly where you need to be going. It's like watching the Colbert Report or something, srsly. I think I'm going to go read it again. If anyone is in need of a good laugh, I highly recommend it.

Reviewed by: Dwimordene -- Score: 8

Tolkien's hair-fetishizing tendencies meet their match in this humorous guide to Rohirric hair-care. Everything from fourth-wall breaching to invocation of radically out-of-place characters (all nicely 'Rohirricized' by the use of the "thorn" character, just for authenticity's sake....), this comedic coiffure's advice column has it all, including vehemently offered 'argument' on the masculinity of hair care (so there is no excuse for refusing) as well as suggested ways of procuring sparkly (but again, very very masculine) clips for said hair. And since no story about Rohirrim is complete without reference to a horse, EdorasLass makes sure to cover this base about three times, managing to get in a dig at Dunedain-Rohirrim cultural differences in the process. Nothing is sacred, after all, except horses, whose manes are markedly less messy than those of their manly and desirable Riders... I laughed as hard as I reasonably could without being ejected from a library and plan to reread at need. Thank you, EdorasLass!

Reviewed by: Katzilla -- Score: 8

EdorasLass is one of the best - if not THE best - author of all things Rohirric, and while I love her dramatic stuff, it is astounding just how she is also able to give you stomach cramps with her humourous stories or essays to the point where you can no longer breathe for laughing out loud. The "Hair Care Tips" for Rohirrim" are an instant classic, and just when I read the title, I could see the scene when Éomer takes off his helmet to reveal a very bad hair day in "Two Towers" (and still he was oh so very delicious!!)!! I can see the Third Marshall sceptically glowering at anyone telling him about these tips! Elfhelm is good with a brush? And Éothain has a good hand in the manufacturing of those wonderful manly hairclips? Who would have thunk! Please let us all know where we can order these things, for I always wanted to have a hair clip in the form of a decaptitated warg!! I also love the little things you x-ed out (horses: our deities, etc.); they add to the fun. Thank you so much for a lunch break that I spent with a broad smirk upon my face!

Reviewed by: stefaniab -- Score: 7

This story tackles the question, "What if the Rohirrim had their own fashion rags, like that "Mode" magazine where TV's Ugly Betty works? What might their Beauty Advice columns suggest? Edorlas Lass puts her considerable wit to the test to come up with this excellent answer. The author of this advice column clearly understands her audience of hard-riding, hard-drinking men and even a few women who engage in the same pursuits. She understands that personal grooming may take second place to the pampering of a horse. The purpose of "Five Hair Care Tips for Rohirrim," then, is to influence cultural behavior in the Mark. Now that doesn't mean that by grooming their hair, the Rohirrim should adopt the practices of those wimpy Gondorians to the South, but ....I refrain from telling the best bits, but will instead drop a hint---hair clips. If you enjoy humor pieces and especially love those Rohirrim, check this story out.

Reviewed by: Imhiriel -- Score: 5

This story uses a modern conceit to hilarious effect in Tolkien's world: beauty tips - specifically concerning hair care - for none less than the proud Riders of the Mark. The oh-so-earnest tone of the narrator only enhances the absurdity of the premise; it feels as if he/she is completely serious in their attempts at given good advice. The comical asides, strike-throughs and other funny "gimmicks" (like, for example, writing as if there is a conversation going on between the narrator and his sceptic audience) are also a nice touch. I think my favourite device was the constant comparison to the care for their horses the Rohirrim are so passionate about - "if it's good for your horses, it's good for you!"

Reviewed by: annmarwalk -- Score: 4

No matter how times I reread this, I still end up spewing whatever nearby beverage all over the keyboard. What particularly leaves me gasping and helpless is the totally straight-up tone of the narrator – you can just visualize her on the Rohirric Self-Help Network, perkily discoursing on the different types of shampoo and conditioner while hunky riders model the latest fashions in sparkly clips. LOL!

Reviewed by: Raksha the Demon -- Score: 4

Just too, too funny. Do NOT read this while trying to snack or drink; things will just get messy. Edoras Lass knows how to bring the humor in the Rohirrim's care of the flaxen tresses that JRRT described so accurately. I personally reread this gem frequently; and I always lose it when I get to the paragraph describing the many different types of sparkly clips - [decapitated orc] and [bunny rabbits] indeed!

Reviewed by: Alassante -- Score: 4

This was a cute little story! I found it by chance as the featured story when I logged in and I really liked it. The part about the braids in 'Nancy Countries to the South' and the fact that washing was actually overrated really made me giggle. But the best line was the one that was crossed out about wearing the mane on his helmet. *snicker* Hint Hint Eomer. Good job and very original!

Reviewed by: obsidianj -- Score: 3

LOL! These hair care tips are hilarious. I like the way they are worded specifically for the Rohirrim who care more for the hair and hide of their horses. I love the crossed out side remarks (and agree with them). The Bonus tip would be my first pick of what to do with hair, but I can see the point for a Rohirrim in the field.

Reviewed by: Linda Hoyland -- Score: 3

Hilariously funny advice for the many warriors of Rohan and their unwashed shaggy manes! It is high time those renowned heroes thought of their own manes as well as those of their beloved horses!

Reviewed by: crowdaughter -- Score: 3

Wonderful, very funny read, and this needs a severe beverage warning. The idea thatv the proud Rohirrim needs to be encouraged that grooming indeed is something not only fit for horses is absolutely great. Thank you for writing and sharing! :)

Reviewed by: elfscribe -- Score: 3

I enjoyed this humorous little piece. After seeing TTT again recently, I'm struck anew by how badly the Rohirrim need this essay. It should be printed up and airdropped over Rohan. Loved the snarky tone. [This may seem obvious, but judging by the state of certain Riders' hair, apparently it's not.] [Rohirric braids are manly, useful things, which are useful in manly ways.] I never knew before how Theodred got so many babes. Conditioner is it? Oh and yes *that.* LOL.

Reviewed by: NeumeIndil -- Score: 2

All right, that was funny. I'm generally not fond of parody and the like, but that was great.

Reviewed by: Larner -- Score: 2

Darling, although I have yet to fully appreciate the tips on sacrfice? Love that it's to Rapunzel! Heh!

Reviewed by: nancylea -- Score: 1

you left out the value of hot and cold blow drying hot-summer cold-winter